Farewell, loves.

Hello my darlings,

I originally started this blog about a year ago to help cope with a breakup. I thought that writing random love stories, as well as thoughts would help me. In some ways it did… I read some beautiful stories, some that keep me a believer of love and people and their abilities to love. Even met a blogger or two who became a big part of my life for a while… For the last year I went through so many phases of wondering “does that type of love exist” and “do you FEEL sparks with someone” because I was lacking this. I couldn’t find it, and I didn’t feel it for so long with those I was trying to date. I haven’t found “love” yet, I don’t even really recall what this feels like, however I do believe it’s out there..

I want to share a last story…

I finally felt that “spark” with someone. I’m not sure if I’d describe it as “fireworks”, but I’d say a spark is probably a pretty close description.  I will admit it was different than anyone else I’d been with. I set myself up to expect it to go wrong, but it was one of the best days I’ve ever had in the last year. He made me so nervous, I was trying so hard to impress him. We’d been talking for almost 5 months before we actually met in person. He was flirting with me so much and I’d been so out of practice and really so unexperienced for so long that I had no idea how to react. We had dinner together, laughed a lot, joked, and then we took a walk through the city. He even tried putting his arm around me and I, of course was very awkward about it. I mostly was very shy.There were some awkward and embarrassing moments, but that is what’s real… the accidents, the tripping, the goofiness. It’s part of what  I’ll remember most, and I wouldn’t change that.

I wanted to take him to one of my favorite spots in the city (aside from the market). It was dark, around 10pm probably, the park is closed but I guess we were being rebellious, ha. We walked through the beautiful night. I took him to one of my favorite spots along the water.  Where you can see the island and West Seattle from the side. It was really the perfect night. The breeze, the water, and him next to me. We sat there, talking a bit. And I wanted him to kiss me so badly… it’s all I could think about. We wandered up the stairs to some sculptures away from some people, and he pulled me over to him, pressed me up against one of the metal pillar sculptures and kept asking what they were, what they were made of. He teased, saying “You should know, it’s your park…” and as he leaned in we kissed… and I didn’t ever want him to stop. It’s the first time in over a year that I had felt something like this with someone. We kept kissing, and he pulled back and run his hands through my hair, and I hugged him. I wrapped my arms around him so tightly and I held him because in my heart I had a feeling this might be the first and last time with him, and I never wanted it to end. I lay my head on his chest, and I was just trying to remember every second I got in that moment. His arms wrapped around me, I could feel him squeeze me tightly, and I wished so badly he’d never let go of me. He unwrapped his arms, and look me in the face again and he kissed me again, and again, and I could feel him running his hands over my body, feeling me, pulling me closer, and pressing himself against me, things were getting a little warm. It was getting late, so we decided to walk back through the park, as he went down the stairs, I remember he would keep his hand behind him waiting for mine to grab on, and we walked hand in hand, sometimes his arm around me. We walked up near the white fence, along the water. The lights, beautifully lit the path. He stopped again, to kiss me, and this time as we were kissing, I felt his body move away, and then his kiss, and I looked at him surprised, and he smiled and asked “How much more do you want?” I gave him a cute smile, and acted like I didn’t want anymore, and we laughed and he came after me playfully, wrapping his arms around me, pulling me back.. He walked me to my bus and kissed me as we said goodbye.. I can’t tell you how much I never wanted this night to end…

So, with this story, let me tell you now that I started to believe this didn’t exist. It was surreal. But I know that it does exist, there is a feeling where you KNOW you want to be with someone, where they completely light up your day no matter what. I can’t tell you whether or not it had a happy ending, because I really don’t know. But the “happy ending” isn’t what’s important. It’s the moment that was. It’s knowing that it’s out there and that it will come, in time. This is all I needed to reassure that sparks and love are out there. To you hopeless romantics, and believers of love. Keep on believing. Life isn’t a fairytale, sure. But LOVE does exist, and FEELINGS and instincts are there. Your heart, and your body will feel right and know when it’s right. So never stop believing in love.

It’s been a good run, a lot of words and drafts that will hopefully just remain anonymously here… but I think it’s time for me to let go of this and move forward. A crutch it’s been. I wish love for you all! Patience, kindness, and time! I’ll always be around, but it’s time for me to say farewell, loves.

Yours Truly,
m.

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Me, myself, and I

It’s actually more surprising to me now that the last couple weeks, there’s been so much buzz around my trip I took to the coast last weekend. It was 2 hours away, so nothing huge. It was simply a winery and the beach. But apparently, because I did this by myself meant it was some milestone. What in the world? 

First of all, I’ve done things by myself before… maybe there was a reason I didn’t tell anyone because of this. I’m not completely dependent on anyone. I guess being in a relationship for so long defines you as a couple so when other’s see you doing your thing, it’s BIG shit! Okay okay…

Here’s the deal: 

I’ve been so completely swamped the last couple months, and this last weekend was the first I got to take for myself. To forget about work and people and just do whatever I wanted to do for me. I was actually very excited to just take some time to unwind. No plans, just whatever. Thursday, I got take out and watched movies all day. It was really nice to be lazy. Friday, I decided I’d hit the winery and beach by myself. Of course anyone I told made it out to be this big thing that I was going by MYSELF. A couple friends pressed on the fact that I went by “myself”. Not necessarily in a bad way, but just in a way that emphasized “you’re going alone, eh!?” My mom and my brother as well, jumped on it. “You went alone? Did you go see someone?” No… No I did not. A 25 year old gal can’t drive to the damn winery by herself, what the hell? Apparently no one does anything alone. Then I had someone come up to me today who had seen my facebook and said “Oh… I saw you took a little trip…. BY YOURSELF!” Good gosh, let’s just put it on a banner, yeah? Let the world know.

I found it amusing at first, that someone thought it was such a big deal. But as more and more people started pointing it out, I actually started to get a little irritated by this. I know people mean well. I’m not sure what’s frustrating me more at this point. That this is the world we live in, that this is my group of friends, they just think and believe people should always be doing something with someone else, or that people think I’m that dependent on someone else. I feel underestimated… maybe that’s really what’s getting me worked up.

I’ve got 3 shows to see in the next few months, and I really want to go see Matilda playing at the 5th Avenue Theater… YES, BY MY F*CKING SELF!!!!!!!  So… with that. I might just post it on facebook… “Going to see Matilda and 3 concerts ALL BY MYSELF! #aloneforever #sad #leavesympatheticcomments” and by might, I’m just going to think about it and laugh in my head about how awesome that’d really be and then not post it on facebook(:

Moral of the story is, GO DO SHIT BY YOURSELF! It’s not a big deal! Do stuff with someone, or don’t. Either way, whatever you’re doing, just do it for you. And stop giving people shit for who or who they aren’t doing stuff with… how about you pay attention WHAT they are doing and be happy for them for that, cool, on the page. Over and out.

Anonymously yours,
m.

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Confess

Tonight.. I don’t want to admit how much I’m truly missing you. What I’d give for you to want me as much as I want you.

Anonymously yours,

m.

An unexpected beginning always indicates that something, somehow ended.

Let's talk about the L word!

Blonde young girl holding hands in heart shape framing setting sun at sunset on ocean beach “Girl holding hands in heart shape at beach” by Elena Elisseeva. Check her out at 500px.com

I decided to start this blog for the simple reason that change has to be made, or to better say, change simply happens in our lives and we must learn how to deal with it.
It occurs unpredictably and we, thinking organisms capable of feeling something beyond the primal urge to survive and prosper in this world, have always struggled with it. Because change breaks us and exposes us to what we thought as distant realities, incapable of touching our lives. And it changes us in a curious and strange way. From there, we only have two options: To rise with the knowledge acquired as a result of the mistake we did; or to let go of truth, and fall into the abyss of hopelessness and unfounded depression. And yes, if you look at things…

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Memory #51

When you used to want to hear all about my life…

I miss how attentive you used to be. When I’d mention something going on, if we ever got off topic, you would always make a point to go back, or to make sure I told you about my day or story. You always wanted to hear how I was doing, and what I was doing. You’d even tell me “remind me if I forget to ask again!” 

Anonymously yours,
m.

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Memory #100

When I wanted things to get real, and I wanted you to want a relationship with me, and you got scared.
You let go of me, you ran from me, and now we don’t talk anymore…

Anonymously yours,
m.

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Memory #30

The way you’d purposefully push my buttons and get me worked up just so you could get the chance to say: “it’s so adorable when you get pouty and stomp around.” 

Anonymously yours,
m.

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Memory #10 & #15

When you wouldn’t stop calling me “cutie,” and it became my nickname…
When I started calling you “sweets,” and it became your nickname…

Anonymously yours,
m.

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Memory #26

There was a time I had just started a new job (a second job) and I was working so much that you knew I was overdoing it. I was stressing all the time. There was a night where I went from one job straight to the next. I had messed up a project that night. I told you how completely AWFUL it made me feel. You told me not to worry about it, that it happens and they picked me for a reason, that I’ll fix it. I felt better after talking to you and I thanked you for always being supportive and listening to me. And you said “You are welcome, but don’t ever thank me for believing in you… because you make it seem like I HAVE to say those things to make you feel better.” 

Anonymously yours,
m.

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Memory #45

It was Sunday, May 10th, 2015. Mother’s day.
One of the most important people in my life, my goddaughter. You know how I constantly go on about her, send photos of her any chance I get. I had just spent that Saturday with her and her momma for Mother’s day. I really didn’t think anything of it until you sent me a random text on Sunday that said “Happy Godmother’s Day.” How unexpected that was… It was one of the most thoughtful things anyone had said to me. I told you that, and you thought it was funny that I found it so sweet of you. But you didn’t realize that it’s those little things that I really melt over…

Anonymously yours,
m.

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