Hello my darlings,
I originally started this blog about a year ago to help cope with a breakup. I thought that writing random love stories, as well as thoughts would help me. In some ways it did… I read some beautiful stories, some that keep me a believer of love and people and their abilities to love. Even met a blogger or two who became a big part of my life for a while… For the last year I went through so many phases of wondering “does that type of love exist” and “do you FEEL sparks with someone” because I was lacking this. I couldn’t find it, and I didn’t feel it for so long with those I was trying to date. I haven’t found “love” yet, I don’t even really recall what this feels like, however I do believe it’s out there..
I want to share a last story…
I finally felt that “spark” with someone. I’m not sure if I’d describe it as “fireworks”, but I’d say a spark is probably a pretty close description. I will admit it was different than anyone else I’d been with. I set myself up to expect it to go wrong, but it was one of the best days I’ve ever had in the last year. He made me so nervous, I was trying so hard to impress him. We’d been talking for almost 5 months before we actually met in person. He was flirting with me so much and I’d been so out of practice and really so unexperienced for so long that I had no idea how to react. We had dinner together, laughed a lot, joked, and then we took a walk through the city. He even tried putting his arm around me and I, of course was very awkward about it. I mostly was very shy.There were some awkward and embarrassing moments, but that is what’s real… the accidents, the tripping, the goofiness. It’s part of what I’ll remember most, and I wouldn’t change that.
I wanted to take him to one of my favorite spots in the city (aside from the market). It was dark, around 10pm probably, the park is closed but I guess we were being rebellious, ha. We walked through the beautiful night. I took him to one of my favorite spots along the water. Where you can see the island and West Seattle from the side. It was really the perfect night. The breeze, the water, and him next to me. We sat there, talking a bit. And I wanted him to kiss me so badly… it’s all I could think about. We wandered up the stairs to some sculptures away from some people, and he pulled me over to him, pressed me up against one of the metal pillar sculptures and kept asking what they were, what they were made of. He teased, saying “You should know, it’s your park…” and as he leaned in we kissed… and I didn’t ever want him to stop. It’s the first time in over a year that I had felt something like this with someone. We kept kissing, and he pulled back and run his hands through my hair, and I hugged him. I wrapped my arms around him so tightly and I held him because in my heart I had a feeling this might be the first and last time with him, and I never wanted it to end. I lay my head on his chest, and I was just trying to remember every second I got in that moment. His arms wrapped around me, I could feel him squeeze me tightly, and I wished so badly he’d never let go of me. He unwrapped his arms, and look me in the face again and he kissed me again, and again, and I could feel him running his hands over my body, feeling me, pulling me closer, and pressing himself against me, things were getting a little warm. It was getting late, so we decided to walk back through the park, as he went down the stairs, I remember he would keep his hand behind him waiting for mine to grab on, and we walked hand in hand, sometimes his arm around me. We walked up near the white fence, along the water. The lights, beautifully lit the path. He stopped again, to kiss me, and this time as we were kissing, I felt his body move away, and then his kiss, and I looked at him surprised, and he smiled and asked “How much more do you want?” I gave him a cute smile, and acted like I didn’t want anymore, and we laughed and he came after me playfully, wrapping his arms around me, pulling me back.. He walked me to my bus and kissed me as we said goodbye.. I can’t tell you how much I never wanted this night to end…
So, with this story, let me tell you now that I started to believe this didn’t exist. It was surreal. But I know that it does exist, there is a feeling where you KNOW you want to be with someone, where they completely light up your day no matter what. I can’t tell you whether or not it had a happy ending, because I really don’t know. But the “happy ending” isn’t what’s important. It’s the moment that was. It’s knowing that it’s out there and that it will come, in time. This is all I needed to reassure that sparks and love are out there. To you hopeless romantics, and believers of love. Keep on believing. Life isn’t a fairytale, sure. But LOVE does exist, and FEELINGS and instincts are there. Your heart, and your body will feel right and know when it’s right. So never stop believing in love.
It’s been a good run, a lot of words and drafts that will hopefully just remain anonymously here… but I think it’s time for me to let go of this and move forward. A crutch it’s been. I wish love for you all! Patience, kindness, and time! I’ll always be around, but it’s time for me to say farewell, loves.